One recent evening, Maria Jackson and her long-term partner, Bill Turner, made dinner, watched TV in front of the fire, and then took a soak in a hot tub. Before bed, Ms. Jackson put on a black silk nightie and cuddled up to Dr. Turner, who complimented her on how great she looked. Then he rolled over and went to sleep.
“I was really disappointed,” says Ms. Jackson, 57 years old, a business consultant in Virginia, United States. It shows how difficult it is to get sex, especially now. The problem is it may just be primarily stress and exhaustion from the pace of post-pandemic life. When we finally fall into bed at night, that arm reaching out for us can sometimes feel like another task on our to-do list. That is, if we even get the hint.
Sex therapists agree that initiating sex can be hard for long-term couples because it’s easy to miss each other’s cues. You may think that the foot rub you’re giving your partner is an obvious hint that you’re ready for sex, but she may be thrilled just to get off her feet. This often leaves plenty of opportunities for hurt feelings. Partners may feel rejected or take it personally if their advances are rebuffed. They may be less likely to initiate again.
“Rejection can build over time and push through,” says Kristen Mark, a professor of sexual health at the University of Minnesota Medical School. Research shows that heterosexual men are about twice as likely as heterosexual women to initiate sex with a partner. 50% of heterosexual men said that they “often” or “always” are the initiators of sex, compared with 28% of heterosexual women, according to studies conducted by social psychologist and Kinsey Institute research fellow Justine Lehmiller, published in his 2018 book, “Tell Me What You Want”.
Yet many people behave differently in their fantasies, Dr. Lehmiller found out. Surprisingly, many relationships start off hot and heavy, so couples who struggle with initiating sex are often surprised, psychologists say. But that level of urgent desire typically fades over time.
“Sex doesn’t always happen naturally. There are times when you need to put a little effort into it,” says Jessa Zimmerman, a Seattle therapist.
So how can you initiate sex better? Here is some advice from the experts:
1. Start With a Chat
Begin with a compliment, reassuring your partner that you still find them attractive and enjoy having sex. Ask about any roadblocks. Is your partner experiencing a sexual difficulty or too stressed to feel desire? Do they need something different?
2. Initiate Early
For many people, initiating sex means expressing that they want to have sex right now. But it may not be easy for your partner to get in the mood quickly. Start your approach early in the day or week. Send a sexy text. Plan a romantic dinner. Take care of chores. “This gives arousal and anticipation a chance to build.”
3. Schedule Time for Intimacy
Set aside time for physical intimacy to ensure that it happens and to avoid miscommunication. This doesn’t necessarily mean scheduling intercourse; it’s about spending time being physical. Start with cuddling and take it from there, with no expectations. Take your time. Many people think sex is an all-or-nothing endeavor, but experts suggest treating it like a trip to the playground. It’s the outing that counts, not necessarily the specific activities.
4. Know Your Partner
Different people are turned on by touch, words, or visual stimuli. Pay attention to what works for you and your partner for better results.
Don’t Take ‘No’ Personally
Everyone has the right to reject sexual advances. It might mean no for now, not always. If you’re the one saying no, communicate your feelings kindly. For example: “I’m really tired tonight. Can we cuddle instead and plan for a romantic time this weekend?”
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