THE SECRET TO SUCCESSFUL DATING IS SENSIBLE EXPECTIONS, SAYS EXPERT FRANCINE RUSSO
When she says that finding love is possible at any age, twice-widowed Francine Russo speaks from experience. “You don’t have to be young, highly attractive or rich. You just have to be emotionally ready and willing to work at it,” says Russo, 74, who as a journalist focusing psychology, has written for Time, The Atlantic and Scientific American. Her new book, Love after 50, shares her journey, intertwined with anecdotes and research culled from interviews. We caught up with Russo to learn her insights on finding and keeping love.
Q: A year of isolation has many people feeling socially awkward. What can you say to help them?
A: If you decide you’re emotionally ready, then I say, get rid of that pandemic hair and those sweat pants! Get a great outfit that makes you feel fabulous. And enjoy the fact that, hey, you’re going to have a lot of adrenaline flowing and everything will be new again. Go to restaurants, be across the table from another human being-you’re going to fall in love with. Just enjoy life unfolding again.
Q: So, it’s not superficial to focus on the hair and the outfit before you get back out there?
A: No, because you don’t need to be thin or gorgeous or young to be dating, but you do need to feel like your bets self. I’m past 70. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I say, “Oh, no.” but sometimes I will get a new haircut, I will put on some makeup, and I will wear a great blouse and go out feeling confident. Whatever your best self is, go for it.
Q: You write that we can widen our dating pool by narrowing our demands. But doesn’t that mean we’d be compromising?
A: Suppose that you’re with someone who does not check off a whole bunch of the boxes you have an important job, doesn’t share your love of travel or baseball. But suppose this person really gets you and doesn’t judge. This person is somebody who actually wants to hear about your day. Is that settling? I don’t think so. I think you’ve found a great relationship.
Q: Why do you believe we’re more likely to find deep love after 50?
Research has found that older adults are more emotionally stable and more focused on the positive. At this stage of life, you don’t have to pick a mate who’ll be a good parent or who can help you provide financially for your family. Your only consideration is to pick someone with whom you can have a truly loving relationship for who you are now, the person you have become.
Q: Where is the best place to find someone?
A: I have heard stories of accident meetings-on an Uber ride, at church or at gym. So being out in the world, and emotionally open, is good. But most people find that online dating gives them the greatest choice of people they wouldn’t have met otherwise.
Q: How do we figure out which traits we require and those we can live without?
A: There’s a hilarious chapter in the book about two 70-year-old guys. One had a short list and met someone immediately. The other wanted a woman who was attractive, 10 years younger than he was, outdoorsy, cultured, educated. He had a very particular list, and he had no luck. And women do exactly the same thing. Well, he eventually went back to one of the also-rans. She was a little older. And he said, “Well, she’s outdoorsy.” And guess what! They’re still together; they’ve still together; they’ve been together for three years.
Q: How do you know it’s right?
A: At our age we often say, “Let’s be monogamous for a while to see how we work together.” I call it try-a-relationship. It doesn’t take very long. Because at our age you find out very quickly whether this person is right. As one therapist told me, “Older people get better at catch and release.”
Q: What about those of us who are in long term relationships? How do we continue to keep those growing and exciting?
A: There’s a limited amount of time we have left with our partner. Neither of us going to change your basic character all that much. We can grow and we can renegotiate, but we need to be forgiving of each other’s flaws. You’ve experienced so much life-maybe divorce, illness. You’ve had loses. You’ve seen what the big blows are in life. So, with any disagreement, any annoying habit, you have to ask yourself, how important is this particular thing compared with the relationship I have? Happy couples tell me over and over:”I let it go”
Love after 50, published by Simon & Schuster in conjunction with AARP, is available July 13. Christine Fellingham is a former editor with Glamour and O, The Oprah Magazine.
CONCLUSION
We would like to believe that everyone who wants to have sex can have sex, but there are medical reasons why this isn’t always the case. As people age, they might expect that sex won’t be as enjoyable or as easy as it used to be. The fact is, however, that good sex doesn’t just happen and maintaining an active sex life requires some work.