When my son, Gabe, was in college, he invited his girlfriend (I’ll call her Tiffany) to our home for Thanksgiving. Let’s just say it was stressful. For five days, Tiffany clung to Gabe, but she never piped up during family conversations or pitched in with housework. Instead, she seemed closed off, obsessively checking her social media feeds. I kept asking myself, Why is Gabe with her? I just didn’t see how someone like that could possibly be good for my son.
On the day of our dinner, Gabe was in the kitchen tending the turkey, my husband was vacuuming, and I was setting the table for a dozen guests. Where was Tiffany? On the couch, FaceTiming friends. My worry and irritation got the better of me, and I stomped into the kitchen to confront Gabe. “Do you think she could help out?” He shot right back: “I don’t want to hear it.”
Years later, I still regret my outburst. Everyone knows it’s bad to criticize your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend.
Empirical evidence is scarce on the phenomenon, but anecdotal evidence suggests it’s quite common for a child to bring home a sweetheart who rubs parents the wrong way. One survey by a British newspaper found that 1 in 3 parents of teens disapproved of someone their child was dating.
So, do you say anything, however you feel, and what do you say? For insight, read an interview with experts in family dynamics. Here is their counsel:
- PREPARE
- CHECK YOUR BIAS
- PICK YOUR MOMENT
- ASK QUESTIONS
- MAKE PEACE
- KNOW WHEN TO INTERVENE
Prepare:
Figure out exactly what bothers you about the person. Crystallize your concerns in advance, but let patience take better judgment.
Check Your Bias:
If you discover that your reaction is irrational or superficial, silence is golden and a better option.
Pick Your Moments:
Once you identify an issue that may need discussion, choose a calm time and a neutral place to address it—that is, don’t confront them in the midst of holiday mayhem. “Deal with big issues, especially with young adults, when you’re not reactive — psychotherapist Judith Smith advises. And talk things over in a neutral location like during a car ride, while walking, or over a coffee break.
Ask Questions:
No matter how aggravating you find your kids partner, “try to stay open-minded and curious about their relationship, rather than condemning it,” so says Professor of Sociology Deborah Cohan at South Carolina University. Instead, ask what kinds of activities they share or what your child admires in their partner—and really listen to the answers. A better understanding of why your child values their partner can help you learn to value that person, too.
Make Peace:
Reaffirm your unconditional love for them. Then, as briefly as possible, address your main concerns. Don’t dwell or repeat yourself. End by saying how much you love them and that you know the choice of a friend or mate is theirs. After this, you can’t control your child’s follow up but at least you can control your own reaction.
Know When to Intervene:
There’s one situation that requires you to act: spotting signs of abuse, such as excessive jealousy or attempts to control your child. If there has been a threat of violence or your child has communicated to you that they don’t feel safe, Strauss urges you to step in.
Thankfully, Tiffany and my son have grown and still together, in unconventional roles. He handles the cooking and cleaning, while she cares for the pets and manages the bills and investments. Thus far, it’s working for them. She has outgrown her obsessions. I love her, and I love seeing my son happy. Big lesson: not only can we parents learn to change, but if we’re graced, our kids’ partners can, too.
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